Knock knock, Oh Hi, how’s it going? It’s me, every girl ever. I’m really looking forward to this date. I know I don’t look nearly as good as you remember me being, but that’s because when we met, it was really dark and you were drunk. C’mon in.
Let’s start off with that unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post college girl apartment.
You’ll notice that I purchased everything that Ikea and Pier One ever produced.
There’s my decorative birdcage over there…even though I don’t have a bird. And there’s my gay wicker basket, with bamboo poles in it. I don’t know what that thing’s all about, but I bought it anyway . Hey! check it out! I’ve got more candles than a Roman Catholic church. Doesn’t it smell like hazelnut?
If I were to light all my candles at once, you could see my apartment from space. I really love candles. C’mon into the living room… Oh, I see you have met my cat there. His name is: Freddy paws jr. Why don’t you pet him, and act like you like cats, even though you don’t. Oh! He took a little swing at your eye there…he’ll do that. Hey! let’s go check out the kitchen.
Hey! look at my refrigerator. there are pictures all over it. Look at all these pictures of me, and all my equally vacuous friends from college. We were so crazy. you could tell we were really good friends, because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that. And check it out! We’re holding up alcoholic beverages in every single picture. That’s to prove we were partying. College was so fun! Of course I don’t talk to any of those girls anymore, ’cause now they’re all bitches. Let’s go back into the hallway. Hey! before we leave, I’m going to go into the bathroom for about ten minutes, for some mysterious reason. Why don’t you go sit awkwardly, in my big, stupid, round, overstuffed chair over there, while you wait for me. It’s like you’re sitting in a hug.
Be right back…………………………..
Sorry that took half an hour. I don’t know what the hell I was doing in there. LET’S GO!
WOW! thanks for opening my car door for me. I’m totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion, and delude myself into thinking you’re a really good guy, because that’s what I want to believe.
Well, here we are at the restaurant….no thanks waiter, I don’t need to see the menu, just bring me expensive things. Hey! I know, while we wait, I’ll tell you about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss! He’s a JERK! I might get another job, maybe doing hair, or as a nurses aide.
Now let’s talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to play X-box with my semi-retarded brother Aaron, that would be so darned cute.
WOW! I can’t believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating ANY of it. No thanks waiter, we don’t need a box, just throw it out. Hey! I’ve got an idea. Let’s go to a bar and have an after dinner drink. It’ll be GREAT! It’ll be just like the way we’re drinking here, only louder and we’ll have to stand up. C’mon!
See! Isn’t this better? Oh Hey! What a coincidence. there’s a group of my friends that I KNEW was going to be here. Let’s go over there so they can” judge” you. Hey! I have to go to the bathroom for half an hour again, for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my “unbelievably” hideous friend, Jewel. She’s so ugly, that as a child she had to trick-or-treat over the phone. Talk to her. She has a job, and a family that she wants to talk to you about too!…………… Be right back.
I’m back! Sorry I was gone for three hours,… there was a line. I want to go home now.
Well, here we are at my door again. That was really fun for me and not for you.
You should pretend like we’re going to do it again sometime. Maybe I’ll see you at target a few months from now, and we can avoid eye contact, because you never called me. Now here, have this awkward good night kiss, that’s as empty as my soul. (smooch). Good night.
(Contributed by Superfly-TNT)