1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 15 men’s work boots, and place them on your porch with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine.
2. Place four of the biggest dog bowls you can find on the porch next to the boots and magazines.
3. Leave a note on the door that reads:
Bubba, me, Jimbo and Buck went to get more beer and ammo. Be back in a bit. Don’t mess with the dogs, they got the mailman real bad yesterday. I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, locked ’em all in the house, so you better wait outside. Be right back. ?- Cooter